If you're wondering why everyone around you is suddenly starting to flip the fuck out and is for-real getting on your case, remember that Christmas is just right around the corner. Like keeping your Christmas lights safely tucked away until Thanksgiving Day (and no earlier), September proves to be the first month in which Christmas-like marketing behaviors seem intrusive and appropriate. Somewhere, some company manufactures and packages thousands upon thousands of personalized pens, magnets, coffee mugs or other similar promotional gems, and just waits until the first of September to start dive-bombing your mailbox with it.
Hey. It's September. It's not junk mail; it's a free gift.
Though some fault of my own, I've been red-flagged as the "person who handles your promotional or advertising budget" and all sorts of interesting, personalized tangibles appear in my business mail these days. The first items to roll in were some promotional 2007 calendars with a flimsy paper backing that hung down slightly lower than the calendar itself and read: "Compliments of Your Law Firm, Co." Personally, if I received this from some company I'd be sort of insulted because I'd figure they'd just collected the duplicate free samples and just sent them out without having to actually order anything.
The next thing I got was an 81/2" x 11" sized envelope containing one piece of paper and one pen. The paper was spitting the cliche "Make No Payments Now" game, but the pen had a rainbow on it. I don't know; seems appropriate for a law firm, right? I turned it over in my hands, glad to have a new pen, and saw that it read: Your Law Firm Co. GO WITH THE BEST. "We Do Law and Stuff...". Awesome. I'm keeping it although the fax number is really, really wrong.
The other day, I received an awesome 2007 leather-bound planner. It smells like the inside of a paint can, but it contains several interstate maps in the back for my reference, highlighting mostly the Canadian Provinces. Even though I much would have rather preferred something useful, like conversions or the 50 most-misspelled words, I had to appreciate the sentiment. I mean, who knows the next time I might be forced into driving to Toronto with only my free sample promotional planner, compliments of Your Law Firm Co.? Or, honestly, I might forget that Maine is really a state. Speaking of, from Ohio... how could I possibly get to Quebec if I ever find myself in Maine? Oh, yeah, Route 201. Got it.
But, today, I received the most amazing thing yet. Not only was the item in itself completely badass, but the sales letter made such great points as to why I should buy more of these Precision Laser Beam Pens. Yes, I said Precision Laser Beam Pens. And not only does the pen have a friggin' laser beam attached to it, it came in a wooden box that bore a poorly-screened face of Leonardo Da Vinci on it, beneath which read "da Vinci"; oddly neither the name of our company nor the company that sent us the laser pen. Upon opening the box, I was just blown away by the fine craftsmanship of this laser pen. It came sunken down into foam, cut out to match the shape of the pen. There was a plastic piece hugging the pen that read, "Remove before using". The message on the pen stated our law firm name and city and state of residence, without any helpful information for interested parties to contact us whatsoever. At the top, there was a DANGER! label covering most of the pen that was completely unreadable with the human eye, as DANGER! labels should be. It's a good thing I didn't point the laser on it to read it, because it read, "AVOID EXPOSURE! Laser radiation is emitted from this APERTURE!"
I was so puzzled from getting a free Precision Laser Beam Pen, that I decided to actually read the sales letter instead of immediately filing it away in the trash can. What a treat.
Dear Valued Customer: (Have we ordered from you before?)
As if inspired from the pages of a James Bond novel, the enclosed Brass Pen With Hidden Laser Beam has sold in retail stores for $20 and more!
Ooooh. Now that it's supposed to be hidden, it suddenly seems sexier, doesn't it?
At first glance, this executive pen looks like a fine, solid brass, twist-action writing instument. But look closer (thought that we were specifically not supposed to do this), and you'll discover a push-button under a protective guard (that we are to expressly remove) that activates a concealed laser beam. Go ahead...slip off the guard and try this remarkable invention for yourself.
Um. Is that a dare?
The bright red laser beam can be used as a pointer when making presentations or directed across a room to draw attention to specific items.(Studies show that when you use a laser in your presentations, your points are taken more seriously.)
This all seems legitimate. I mean, this is a business, and we do have meetings here. I began to reconsider my shunning of all of the previous laser pens when I read further:
At night it can be used to send a signal to a distant point. Pet owners with a playful side will provide endless hours of entertainment for their dogs and cats as they chase the laser beam around the house.
Now I know what you're thinking. This is a great product, but I can't afford to spend that much on a give-away.
Uh, actually, I was thinking about why it's not okay for humans to look directly into the laser, but subjecting my dog to it shows that I have a 'playful side'. Moreover, I'm wondering whose idea it was to list the second-best reason for buying a laser pen is so that we can send signals to distant points at nighttime, and what the hell da Vinci has to do with anything.
I think I'm sticking with Christmas cards. It's not too early to send those out, is it?
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