I think things are always worse when you're dealing with extreme temperatures. I guess that is not only physically sound but metaphorical as well. Our air conditioning has been out at work for days (coming off of an earlier week of it being out at home) and the Galileo thermometer is sinking as far as it can, bearing the blatant reminder that it's well over 80 degrees in the office. The expression 'sitting here stewing' comes to mind. I'm not sure what it is about being subjected to extreme heat that has the ability to inflate every irritant within my soul but saying that I'm 'frustrated' only begins to encompass what I feel I'm going through. The heat is just the accelerant. My woes extend further than the need to feel comfortable in my own office.
I feel like I have been stuck in a web of frustration for some time now. I have always had pride in my independence and even though I fiercely guard it, I relinquish bits and pieces as pawns in chess games of compromise. I like to control my own life. I like to make decisions on my own merit that benefit myself and those around me. It has come to my attention over the past ten years that taking control of my own life is actually something of which to be proud, since I have seen several people just as eager to have an excuse for failure so that they don't have to be accountable for whatever they do or don't do. I don't take hits to my independence very lightly and I feel as though I have been walking on eggshells for 'the greater good' for over a year.
We all know in our hearts what we feel is right and what is wrong, but the cold realization is that there is a price on both. A settlement. A trade-off. A limitation of our resources that all of a sudden makes the wrong thing seem more right, due to the circumstances of course. The wrong thing comes into focus as not as bad when we're not willing to, or have convinced ourselves we can't, fight any further for the right thing. I guess it's kind of disgusting, and there also aren't any other answers. People don't like feeling they've died without reason, so they search for acceptable reasons so death doesn't seem so empty. When there aren't any answers we just make them up as we go. Maybe we should just stop asking questions.
