I try and avoid the news. It's not only because I'm lazy, but I also like to avoid being held in a constant state of depression, anger, and a general "what the fuck is wrong with people" state of mind. The insistent hammering of murder, shady political ideals, and things gone horribly awry seems to always supercede the ha-ha factor of daily reporting.
Today, however, is one of those days where 'ha-ha' soo wins:
T.O. tried to commit suicide. He tried. T.O. is usually pretty good at garnering attention in the first place, but, I can understand his decision. I mean, he plays for the Cowboys. Everyone outside of Dallas hates him, and he's Black, so most people inside of Dallas hate him, too.
The former CEO of RJ Reynolds gets a new gig as the CEO of Krispie Kreme donuts. Be on the lookout for aggressive product placement and a well-tuned marketing plan directed at minors. Dr. John Pemberton, inventor of Coca-Cola, has refused comment. Mostly because he's dead.
In Georgia, a pregnant teenage girl's mother forced her to drink turpentine to spur her abortion. In other news, turpentine does not abort babies and a condom costs about $0.75.
In North Carolina, a woman was murdered at a domestic violence shelter. I guess she should've stayed home if she knew what was good for her. The police are on the hunt for the woman's husband, who was last seen leaving the shelter with a can of unopened beer.
A middle school custodian is arrested after watching pornography at school and 'removing some of his clothes'. Subsequent studies show that 80% of men that work in middle school education are future sex offenders and 20% of them already are. The best part of this story, however, is the fact that police have a custodian in custody.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Iiii--rooohhh-neeeee
I hope you've never done anything wrong in your entire life. Otherwise, it could be really, really difficult to get a job working in the bars slinging beers to people until 2 in the morning.
Having worked in promotions for several years as a spokesperson for several different brands (think cars, beer, and liquor) I can tell you that promotional work is probably the easiest money that you could ever make by merely selling out. The hiring standards for such jobs are completely infuriating (if you're ugly) and shady at best (if you're into that ethics thing). Either you can look really awesome and have no experience, or look sort of average (but definitely not overweight) and just know the market manager.
When I heard that a friend of mine was the market manager for a very, very well-known beer manufacturer I got in touch with him to get on board. I was really sort of surprised, that even with all of my experience, he said I had to go through corporate. Go through corporate? To be a beer girl? Don't I just have to look good?
I sent 'corporate' an email, the reply to which included a time to meet for a formal interview. Seemed fair -- since the hiring staff was not located within our market --until I got to the end of the email and scanned the 7 attachments, 6 of which were to be filled out and brought to the interview.
The employment application was four pages, and included a salary history and references. The other forms required at the very least my social security number, address, and signature indicating my permission to give said company all rights to look into anything I've ever done, ever. I filled out the application half-seriously (For 'special skills' I put that I was pretty good at Trivial Pursuit), and signed over the rights to check all of my previous court cases, driving records, and run a credit report.
The interview went smoothly, however, the paper trail hadn't been satiated. She handed me two more, for drug testing.
"Why are there two?" I asked, looking down at the forms.
"Well, one of them is for the pee test," she said pointing to one of the forms, before running her finger over the next, "And this one is for the hair test."
I gave her a puzzled look. "Hair test?!"
"Yeah, basically, you can hide narcotic use in urine so they actually take an inch worth of your hair to cross-process the results."
I paused. "And this is to give people beer?"
So. You're allowed to be a beer girl who is supposed to be looked upon by the general public as someone who is informative about the product, and knows how to interact with the crowd populating any sort of bar at any given hour, however, you have to have absolutely no drug history and a perfect record. Jesus, it's a good thing restaurant cooks don't have to endure this abuse; there wouldn't be anyone qualified to work.
I had to take my lunch break to go get my hair cut off by a dude that was easily 6'4" 270 pounds. It was weird having a man of such stature thumbing through my hair, making conversation. I felt like I was at the prison barber shop. It came time for the pee test, and he spoke to me without looking at me, and his request was so odd I asked him to repeat what he'd said.
"So are you a straight shooter?"
"Excuse me?" I had meant for him to clarify, however, he just repeated the same sentence with raised eyebrows.
"Are you a straight shooter?"
I wasn't sure if he was asking me if I had a penis or if I was lying. I tried to pick the most all-encompassing answer I could think of.
"Depends."
This sent him into a full fit of heavy laughter.
"Depends?" he laughed, "On what?"
I was still confused as to how I was supposed to know whether or not I was going to be able to piss in a straight line preemtively.
"I don't know," I said slowly, "Every time is different."
Regardless, by the time I'd fulfilled all of the requirements to work on this particular account (not even having been given a guarantee of employment), I was exhausted.
Below, I've listed the requirements to become a teacher in the State of Ohio:
* Have at least a bachelor's degree, and, in some states, a fifth year or master's degree
* Complete an approved, accredited education program
* Have a major or minor in education
* Have a major in the subject area in which they plan to teach
* Have a strong liberal arts foundation
* Pass either a state test, the widely-used PRAXIS exam, or another exam
As compared with the requirements to hand out beer in a bar:
*Have at least a bachelor's degree
*Complete at least two years experience in the field
*Complete Client training program, generally in an off-site location lasting anywhere from 1-3 days.
*Be attractive, outgoing, fit, and fit a personality profile confidential to the client.
*Have a previous knowledge about said product, and be able to demonstrate that knowledge
*Drug test, urine and hair sample
*Background check: criminal and civil courts
*Background check: driving records
*Complete credit history check
So next time you see that girl in the 3/4" length shorts that looks like a referee, or a shiny silver angel it's okay to go ahead and take her home. She's super cute, disease-free, and parted with locks of her hair just to give you a flashing blinky button.
Having worked in promotions for several years as a spokesperson for several different brands (think cars, beer, and liquor) I can tell you that promotional work is probably the easiest money that you could ever make by merely selling out. The hiring standards for such jobs are completely infuriating (if you're ugly) and shady at best (if you're into that ethics thing). Either you can look really awesome and have no experience, or look sort of average (but definitely not overweight) and just know the market manager.
When I heard that a friend of mine was the market manager for a very, very well-known beer manufacturer I got in touch with him to get on board. I was really sort of surprised, that even with all of my experience, he said I had to go through corporate. Go through corporate? To be a beer girl? Don't I just have to look good?
I sent 'corporate' an email, the reply to which included a time to meet for a formal interview. Seemed fair -- since the hiring staff was not located within our market --until I got to the end of the email and scanned the 7 attachments, 6 of which were to be filled out and brought to the interview.
The employment application was four pages, and included a salary history and references. The other forms required at the very least my social security number, address, and signature indicating my permission to give said company all rights to look into anything I've ever done, ever. I filled out the application half-seriously (For 'special skills' I put that I was pretty good at Trivial Pursuit), and signed over the rights to check all of my previous court cases, driving records, and run a credit report.
The interview went smoothly, however, the paper trail hadn't been satiated. She handed me two more, for drug testing.
"Why are there two?" I asked, looking down at the forms.
"Well, one of them is for the pee test," she said pointing to one of the forms, before running her finger over the next, "And this one is for the hair test."
I gave her a puzzled look. "Hair test?!"
"Yeah, basically, you can hide narcotic use in urine so they actually take an inch worth of your hair to cross-process the results."
I paused. "And this is to give people beer?"
So. You're allowed to be a beer girl who is supposed to be looked upon by the general public as someone who is informative about the product, and knows how to interact with the crowd populating any sort of bar at any given hour, however, you have to have absolutely no drug history and a perfect record. Jesus, it's a good thing restaurant cooks don't have to endure this abuse; there wouldn't be anyone qualified to work.
I had to take my lunch break to go get my hair cut off by a dude that was easily 6'4" 270 pounds. It was weird having a man of such stature thumbing through my hair, making conversation. I felt like I was at the prison barber shop. It came time for the pee test, and he spoke to me without looking at me, and his request was so odd I asked him to repeat what he'd said.
"So are you a straight shooter?"
"Excuse me?" I had meant for him to clarify, however, he just repeated the same sentence with raised eyebrows.
"Are you a straight shooter?"
I wasn't sure if he was asking me if I had a penis or if I was lying. I tried to pick the most all-encompassing answer I could think of.
"Depends."
This sent him into a full fit of heavy laughter.
"Depends?" he laughed, "On what?"
I was still confused as to how I was supposed to know whether or not I was going to be able to piss in a straight line preemtively.
"I don't know," I said slowly, "Every time is different."
Regardless, by the time I'd fulfilled all of the requirements to work on this particular account (not even having been given a guarantee of employment), I was exhausted.
Below, I've listed the requirements to become a teacher in the State of Ohio:
* Have at least a bachelor's degree, and, in some states, a fifth year or master's degree
* Complete an approved, accredited education program
* Have a major or minor in education
* Have a major in the subject area in which they plan to teach
* Have a strong liberal arts foundation
* Pass either a state test, the widely-used PRAXIS exam, or another exam
As compared with the requirements to hand out beer in a bar:
*Have at least a bachelor's degree
*Complete at least two years experience in the field
*Complete Client training program, generally in an off-site location lasting anywhere from 1-3 days.
*Be attractive, outgoing, fit, and fit a personality profile confidential to the client.
*Have a previous knowledge about said product, and be able to demonstrate that knowledge
*Drug test, urine and hair sample
*Background check: criminal and civil courts
*Background check: driving records
*Complete credit history check
So next time you see that girl in the 3/4" length shorts that looks like a referee, or a shiny silver angel it's okay to go ahead and take her home. She's super cute, disease-free, and parted with locks of her hair just to give you a flashing blinky button.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
On Second Thought
If you're wondering why everyone around you is suddenly starting to flip the fuck out and is for-real getting on your case, remember that Christmas is just right around the corner. Like keeping your Christmas lights safely tucked away until Thanksgiving Day (and no earlier), September proves to be the first month in which Christmas-like marketing behaviors seem intrusive and appropriate. Somewhere, some company manufactures and packages thousands upon thousands of personalized pens, magnets, coffee mugs or other similar promotional gems, and just waits until the first of September to start dive-bombing your mailbox with it.
Hey. It's September. It's not junk mail; it's a free gift.
Though some fault of my own, I've been red-flagged as the "person who handles your promotional or advertising budget" and all sorts of interesting, personalized tangibles appear in my business mail these days. The first items to roll in were some promotional 2007 calendars with a flimsy paper backing that hung down slightly lower than the calendar itself and read: "Compliments of Your Law Firm, Co." Personally, if I received this from some company I'd be sort of insulted because I'd figure they'd just collected the duplicate free samples and just sent them out without having to actually order anything.
The next thing I got was an 81/2" x 11" sized envelope containing one piece of paper and one pen. The paper was spitting the cliche "Make No Payments Now" game, but the pen had a rainbow on it. I don't know; seems appropriate for a law firm, right? I turned it over in my hands, glad to have a new pen, and saw that it read: Your Law Firm Co. GO WITH THE BEST. "We Do Law and Stuff...". Awesome. I'm keeping it although the fax number is really, really wrong.
The other day, I received an awesome 2007 leather-bound planner. It smells like the inside of a paint can, but it contains several interstate maps in the back for my reference, highlighting mostly the Canadian Provinces. Even though I much would have rather preferred something useful, like conversions or the 50 most-misspelled words, I had to appreciate the sentiment. I mean, who knows the next time I might be forced into driving to Toronto with only my free sample promotional planner, compliments of Your Law Firm Co.? Or, honestly, I might forget that Maine is really a state. Speaking of, from Ohio... how could I possibly get to Quebec if I ever find myself in Maine? Oh, yeah, Route 201. Got it.
But, today, I received the most amazing thing yet. Not only was the item in itself completely badass, but the sales letter made such great points as to why I should buy more of these Precision Laser Beam Pens. Yes, I said Precision Laser Beam Pens. And not only does the pen have a friggin' laser beam attached to it, it came in a wooden box that bore a poorly-screened face of Leonardo Da Vinci on it, beneath which read "da Vinci"; oddly neither the name of our company nor the company that sent us the laser pen. Upon opening the box, I was just blown away by the fine craftsmanship of this laser pen. It came sunken down into foam, cut out to match the shape of the pen. There was a plastic piece hugging the pen that read, "Remove before using". The message on the pen stated our law firm name and city and state of residence, without any helpful information for interested parties to contact us whatsoever. At the top, there was a DANGER! label covering most of the pen that was completely unreadable with the human eye, as DANGER! labels should be. It's a good thing I didn't point the laser on it to read it, because it read, "AVOID EXPOSURE! Laser radiation is emitted from this APERTURE!"
I was so puzzled from getting a free Precision Laser Beam Pen, that I decided to actually read the sales letter instead of immediately filing it away in the trash can. What a treat.
Dear Valued Customer: (Have we ordered from you before?)
As if inspired from the pages of a James Bond novel, the enclosed Brass Pen With Hidden Laser Beam has sold in retail stores for $20 and more!
Ooooh. Now that it's supposed to be hidden, it suddenly seems sexier, doesn't it?
At first glance, this executive pen looks like a fine, solid brass, twist-action writing instument. But look closer (thought that we were specifically not supposed to do this), and you'll discover a push-button under a protective guard (that we are to expressly remove) that activates a concealed laser beam. Go ahead...slip off the guard and try this remarkable invention for yourself.
Um. Is that a dare?
The bright red laser beam can be used as a pointer when making presentations or directed across a room to draw attention to specific items.(Studies show that when you use a laser in your presentations, your points are taken more seriously.)
This all seems legitimate. I mean, this is a business, and we do have meetings here. I began to reconsider my shunning of all of the previous laser pens when I read further:
At night it can be used to send a signal to a distant point. Pet owners with a playful side will provide endless hours of entertainment for their dogs and cats as they chase the laser beam around the house.
Now I know what you're thinking. This is a great product, but I can't afford to spend that much on a give-away.
Uh, actually, I was thinking about why it's not okay for humans to look directly into the laser, but subjecting my dog to it shows that I have a 'playful side'. Moreover, I'm wondering whose idea it was to list the second-best reason for buying a laser pen is so that we can send signals to distant points at nighttime, and what the hell da Vinci has to do with anything.
I think I'm sticking with Christmas cards. It's not too early to send those out, is it?
Hey. It's September. It's not junk mail; it's a free gift.
Though some fault of my own, I've been red-flagged as the "person who handles your promotional or advertising budget" and all sorts of interesting, personalized tangibles appear in my business mail these days. The first items to roll in were some promotional 2007 calendars with a flimsy paper backing that hung down slightly lower than the calendar itself and read: "Compliments of Your Law Firm, Co." Personally, if I received this from some company I'd be sort of insulted because I'd figure they'd just collected the duplicate free samples and just sent them out without having to actually order anything.
The next thing I got was an 81/2" x 11" sized envelope containing one piece of paper and one pen. The paper was spitting the cliche "Make No Payments Now" game, but the pen had a rainbow on it. I don't know; seems appropriate for a law firm, right? I turned it over in my hands, glad to have a new pen, and saw that it read: Your Law Firm Co. GO WITH THE BEST. "We Do Law and Stuff...". Awesome. I'm keeping it although the fax number is really, really wrong.
The other day, I received an awesome 2007 leather-bound planner. It smells like the inside of a paint can, but it contains several interstate maps in the back for my reference, highlighting mostly the Canadian Provinces. Even though I much would have rather preferred something useful, like conversions or the 50 most-misspelled words, I had to appreciate the sentiment. I mean, who knows the next time I might be forced into driving to Toronto with only my free sample promotional planner, compliments of Your Law Firm Co.? Or, honestly, I might forget that Maine is really a state. Speaking of, from Ohio... how could I possibly get to Quebec if I ever find myself in Maine? Oh, yeah, Route 201. Got it.
But, today, I received the most amazing thing yet. Not only was the item in itself completely badass, but the sales letter made such great points as to why I should buy more of these Precision Laser Beam Pens. Yes, I said Precision Laser Beam Pens. And not only does the pen have a friggin' laser beam attached to it, it came in a wooden box that bore a poorly-screened face of Leonardo Da Vinci on it, beneath which read "da Vinci"; oddly neither the name of our company nor the company that sent us the laser pen. Upon opening the box, I was just blown away by the fine craftsmanship of this laser pen. It came sunken down into foam, cut out to match the shape of the pen. There was a plastic piece hugging the pen that read, "Remove before using". The message on the pen stated our law firm name and city and state of residence, without any helpful information for interested parties to contact us whatsoever. At the top, there was a DANGER! label covering most of the pen that was completely unreadable with the human eye, as DANGER! labels should be. It's a good thing I didn't point the laser on it to read it, because it read, "AVOID EXPOSURE! Laser radiation is emitted from this APERTURE!"
I was so puzzled from getting a free Precision Laser Beam Pen, that I decided to actually read the sales letter instead of immediately filing it away in the trash can. What a treat.
Dear Valued Customer: (Have we ordered from you before?)
As if inspired from the pages of a James Bond novel, the enclosed Brass Pen With Hidden Laser Beam has sold in retail stores for $20 and more!
Ooooh. Now that it's supposed to be hidden, it suddenly seems sexier, doesn't it?
At first glance, this executive pen looks like a fine, solid brass, twist-action writing instument. But look closer (thought that we were specifically not supposed to do this), and you'll discover a push-button under a protective guard (that we are to expressly remove) that activates a concealed laser beam. Go ahead...slip off the guard and try this remarkable invention for yourself.
Um. Is that a dare?
The bright red laser beam can be used as a pointer when making presentations or directed across a room to draw attention to specific items.(Studies show that when you use a laser in your presentations, your points are taken more seriously.)
This all seems legitimate. I mean, this is a business, and we do have meetings here. I began to reconsider my shunning of all of the previous laser pens when I read further:
At night it can be used to send a signal to a distant point. Pet owners with a playful side will provide endless hours of entertainment for their dogs and cats as they chase the laser beam around the house.
Now I know what you're thinking. This is a great product, but I can't afford to spend that much on a give-away.
Uh, actually, I was thinking about why it's not okay for humans to look directly into the laser, but subjecting my dog to it shows that I have a 'playful side'. Moreover, I'm wondering whose idea it was to list the second-best reason for buying a laser pen is so that we can send signals to distant points at nighttime, and what the hell da Vinci has to do with anything.
I think I'm sticking with Christmas cards. It's not too early to send those out, is it?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)