I try and avoid the news. It's not only because I'm lazy, but I also like to avoid being held in a constant state of depression, anger, and a general "what the fuck is wrong with people" state of mind. The insistent hammering of murder, shady political ideals, and things gone horribly awry seems to always supercede the ha-ha factor of daily reporting.
Today, however, is one of those days where 'ha-ha' soo wins:
T.O. tried to commit suicide. He tried. T.O. is usually pretty good at garnering attention in the first place, but, I can understand his decision. I mean, he plays for the Cowboys. Everyone outside of Dallas hates him, and he's Black, so most people inside of Dallas hate him, too.
The former CEO of RJ Reynolds gets a new gig as the CEO of Krispie Kreme donuts. Be on the lookout for aggressive product placement and a well-tuned marketing plan directed at minors. Dr. John Pemberton, inventor of Coca-Cola, has refused comment. Mostly because he's dead.
In Georgia, a pregnant teenage girl's mother forced her to drink turpentine to spur her abortion. In other news, turpentine does not abort babies and a condom costs about $0.75.
In North Carolina, a woman was murdered at a domestic violence shelter. I guess she should've stayed home if she knew what was good for her. The police are on the hunt for the woman's husband, who was last seen leaving the shelter with a can of unopened beer.
A middle school custodian is arrested after watching pornography at school and 'removing some of his clothes'. Subsequent studies show that 80% of men that work in middle school education are future sex offenders and 20% of them already are. The best part of this story, however, is the fact that police have a custodian in custody.
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