9 Realistic Ways to Save Money in a Recession

Dude, times are hard. Even Japanese companies are laying off workers, and as I learned from NPR this morning, Japanese companies don't lay people off. I learned from someecards that keeping your job was the new promotion, and I learned by the overwhelming positive undertones that are scaring their way into the local and national news that shit must be getting really, really bad. 

Here are a couple things I have been doing to save money, and I thought that I would share them with you as well, in case you find yourself feeling the crunch.

1. Condoms are expensive. Fear not! You can make your own out of leftover plastic wrap from deli meats and cheeses and a rubber band or hair tie, both of which can be found in your neighbors' trash. Make sure to leave enough room at the end for the 'reservoir tip' or things are going to get pretty messy pretty fast.

2. Cats eat tuna. People eat tuna. Canned cat food tuna costs $.79, canned people food tuna costs $1.99. Two words: Casserole.

3. Petty theft. Think about it; if it were SO bad, it wouldn't be called petty.

4. Start answering Craigslist ads from strange gentlemen traveling here on business that just claim to want to take a nice lady to dinner. They get: attention. You get: free dinner, and the fuck out of there before they notice.

5. Find alternate uses for common household objects. For example, did you know that a cast iron waffle maker can double as an assault weapon? Additionally, a chair can also be used for those high and hard-to-reach areas. Wave goodbye to your bills for bats, guns, 'Beware of Dog' signs, and stepstools.

6. Explain to your friends that your license has been suspended and pressure them into giving you rides to and, most importantly, home from the bar. Not only will this save you money, you will find out who your true friends are.

7. Why give up beer AND food, when beer IS food? Studies show that replacing two meals a day with beer not only works quicker than traditional diets, but if you hit up strictly happy hours and you aren't that picky, you can save up to $200 a month. Combine this tip with the one listed above, and the money-saving potential doubles.

8. Break up with your significant other. In a rough economy, something's gotta give. The emotional trauma that ensues from breaking off a healthy and relatively stress-free relationship will make your appetite virtually disappear. No appetite = no grocery bill.

9. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squatting. Hey; it's only temporary.

Dead Baby Kristine

It's not so much that I have a clock ticking by which I feel as though I need to pump out a baby, it's just that as each day passes, people are ruining names I could pick for my future children. I have to hurry up and get someone to get me pregnant or the only decent names that don't have any painful or uncomfortable memories attached to them are going to be ones I'm going to have to bring back from the 1940s. Like Harold, or Eugene or Gail. Or, I'm going to have to get creative and throw an apostrophe in there someplace. I'm torn though because I want my kid to be able to find his or her name on pencils and stickers and shit at the flea market. I know the disappointment that is attached to hopefully searching the rack of personalized mugs or cards or pencil toppers from your knees and never being able to find your name spelled correctly, or even at all. 

Sometimes I sit and consider names that I would like to name a future spawn, only to get waited on by a 'Trent' or a 'Brendan' a week later that is a total dick. Thus, all fleeting experiences are potential spoilers for my unnamed baby. So, you have to think, that at some point when a couple of people are dreaming up what they're going to call their kid for the rest of its life, YOU might actually come up in conversation as a reason to not name the baby with your name. 

"Oh, man, we can't name this baby Kristine."
"Why not?"
"I knew this girl once that told me this really disgusting story about tampons and dead babies or something."
"Oh my God, that's terrible!"
"I know."
"Well, what about Katie?"
"I actually like that name, but we can't name her that, either."
"Because?"
"That was the dead baby girl's sister."
"Oh." 

See how many names you can come up with that have absolutely no accompanying issues relating to famous people, friends, family, friends of friends, waiters, high school classmates, baristas, etc. I am beginning to get a better understanding of how people end up named Lashawnda and Moonflower.