Plenty of Fish in My Ass

Sure, I have had enough sugar this morning to adversely affect a Shih-tzu, however, I am a little fired up about something.  According to a popular and free dating site, I am "unfit to date".  First of all, how I came across the inspiration for this post is unimportant.  Second, some of you may remember a post that I wrote a couple of years ago about getting rejected from eHarmony after a series of tests totaling and wasting 45 minutes of my life.  Back then, I was somewhat miffed of being a reject from a site that rejects go to solely to feel accepted, but then eHarmony revealed its Jesus-y agenda and I realized that my negative answers within a very small category of questions was the culprit for my banishment from the rest of my church-faring e-suitors.  Fine.  I am cool with that, however, if it is Christian dating only, say 'Christian dating only'.

In addition to my not-so-secret obsession with Disney musicals, Scrabulous, and the pursuit of trivia, I love spending time passing the day by browsing Craigslist socialphenomena.  While things written for the sake of humor are generally funny (The Onion, et al), the comedic gold of unintentional irony trumps the efforts of best writers around.  Unaware, unfunny people are the funniest people around.  Anyway, three clicks later I end up at some free dating site called PlentyOfFish.com.  Clever.  Slightly suspicious of the Biblical reference, but willing to see if there are any other catches, besides that it's free - and anyone living in an old refrigerator box with a library card can sign up for it.

Plenty of people write transparent personal ads that can be summed up as in, "My last ex fucked me over, here's how he fucked me over; I am looking for someone the opposite of him, (insert mean-spirited jab here), and I need validation that I am not a completely shitty person."  PlentyofFish, from its front page seems to have a couple of issues itself and appears to have had a shitty relationship with 'those other pay dating sites'.  You cancheck it out for yourself, but for the sake of this post, I just want to point you to bullet point number uno:  

1. We banish anyone who is extremely rude, has anger management issues, uploads fake pictures or is otherwise href="http://www.plentyoffish.com/terms.aspxcode">unfit to date.

I already know that me and this dating site need some space.  Curiosity leads me to dig a little deeper and see just what the socially acceptable definition of 'unfit to date' is.

Please allow me to demonstrate why this is not acceptable:

You agree to use the Service in accordance with the following Code of Conduct:

a.  you will keep all information provided to you through the Service as private and confidential and will not
give such information to anyone without the permission of the person who provided it to you;

So... what kind of 'information' are we talking here?  If I meet someone through this site, and they tell me about the time that they stayed over at some girl's house and shit himself in his sleep and had to crawl out through the window... then ... I'm not allowed to tell anyone unless he says it's okay?!!  Are you fucking kidding me?  My illicit yelling about your balls is my business.  

b.  you will not use the Service to engage in any form of harassment or offensive behavior, including
but not limited to the posting of communications, pictures or recordings which contain libelous, slanderous, abusive
or defamatory statements, or racist, pornographic, obscene, or offensive language;

I am not sure if this code of conduct has been updated since the late 1950s, however, this is such a common practice that the Fox News even does it.  Is the staff of the every sitcom, every blog, every satirical magazine, and every person that has every laughed at a joke ever, not fit to date?  No cussing, no laughing, and definitely no personality: that's what people are looking for in a date?   What the fuck are we supposed to do: lay in our seperate twin beds laughing at Family Circus cartoons?

c.  you will not forward chain letters through the Service;

I hardly think my disentitlement to date someone should be based on whether or not I forward chain letters. So I legitimately thought that Target was being taken over by the French and genuinely expressed my concern by letting everyone in my entire email history know about it.  My golden intentions have already violated two of these caveats, and sealed my ineligibility to use this Service.  No!  Not the pay sites!!!  Anything but the pay sites!!!!

d.  you will not use the Service to infringe the privacy rights, property rights, or any other rights of any person;

So... my account is going to be deleted if I ask you your name, where you live, or if you have your legs or not.  Got it.

e.  you will not post messages, pictures or recordings or use the Service in any way which
i. violates, plagiarizes or infringes upon the rights of any third party, including but not limited to any copyright
or trade-mark law, privacy or other personal or proprietary rights, or ii. is fraudulent or otherwise unlawful or violates any law; and

I am unfit to date if I make fun of PlentyofFi---oops.

f.  you will not use the Service to distribute, promote or otherwise publish any material containing any solicitation for funds, advertising or solicitation for goods or services.

Whatever you do, please limit yourself to this sterilized bullshit and do NOT go to my personal page to learn more about what I am really like.

g.  you will not use the Service to distribute or up load any virus, trojan horses or do anything else that might
cause harm to the Service, Plentyoffish systems or to other members' systems in any way.

Pretty sure that anyone that is okay with the code of conduct this far down doesn't know what a Trojan is.

h.  you will not post or transmit in any manner any contact information including, but not limited to, email
addresses, "instant messenger" nicknames, telephone numbers, postal addresses, URLs, or full names through your
publicly posted information. 

Wheras this site should have kindly provided a link to a code of conduct relevant to their site, instead they have suggested that their code of conduct as stated above is the general standard for the 'unfit to date'.  Clearly not true, as whether you are fit to date is clearly based on how awesome your ass is -- slanderous or not.