Horsin' Around

I debated even writing this entry, due to the position that I am inevitably going to create for myself because of it, however, I seriously find it humorous before it's even happened so I want to keep y'all in the loop.

I got a gig this weekend. As some of you may or may not know, I do some modeling on the side for extra cash and a narcissistic fix. Usually it's $50 here and there, but this weekend is a huge modeling event. For a horse-betting website. Yes, I'm modeling alongside horses (at least I won't have to worry about having a huge ass, maybe just posing with one).

I got an email from the casting agent, and met with her a couple days later at a coffee shop in the trendiest part of town. I made sure to wear my stilettos to the appointment so that I would stand out (and tall -- at 6'4"). Apparently, it worked. The casting agent was fit, blonde, and just had the look of someone not from the midwest. She slid a piece of paper across the table toward me and the two other models and I glanced down at the first asterisk: ** PLEASE ARRIVE CAMERA READY WITH HAIR AND MAKEUP FULLY DONE **

Crap. This is when that whole "being a girl" thing would really come in handy. 

My eyes moved down the paper to the next bullet point, which vaguely described the "looks" we were to be modeling for the weekend. Some of the highlights:

*Auto Racing
*Evening Wear (hopefully these aren't in immediate succession of each other)
*Hockey (Cancels out the next two, but barely)
*Soccer (If my hockey team finds out, I'll never hear the end of it)
*Swimsuit (Yeah. Right.)
*Lingerie (YEAH. RIGHT.)

All of them seemed relatively reasonable until I got to "Sexy Western", which would not have been nearly as funny had it not been two list entries away from just regular old, "Western". Apparently I am going to have to tone down the sexy when "Western" comes around, as not to penetrate the "Sexy Western" look parameters. 

There was a laundry list of things that we were supposed to bring to the shoot, and photographers vary; some have their own wardrobes and some have nothing for models to wear and ask them to choose their clothes for the session. It was clear that we were expected to furnish our own expertise not only in hair and makeup artistry, but in completely bizarre "just in case" sport-themed outfit selection. 

I skimmed the list. T-shirts and tank tops? Check. I've got those, no problem. Nude g-string and strapless bra? Got it. Normal so fa--. Selection of booty shorts? Um.Selection of bathing suits? How many bathing suits am I supposed to have on-hand for a normal girl? I mean, I'm not a swimmer and it's not like I go every day or that the suit really even gets wet. I mean, I only have one and like most cheap suits as they pertain to 6' girls, it's really unfortunate-fitting. Fuck this, man. Any jerseys you may have of the following sports: Football, hockey, baseball, basketball? I am going to guess most of the girls chosen for this don't even know the first thing about half of those sports, let alone have buckets of sexy, un-numbered jerseys. Hell, I'm a college athlete and I barely have any. I scoffed at the last entry, but it was too soon. I squinted my eyes to make sure I was reading the last entry correctly.

Car Racing outfit?

I'm considering bringing my giant #3 logo shirt that all-too-appropriately reads, "God Needed a Driver".

Hey. It doesn't say, "Sexy Car Racing Outfit".