Telltale Signs You're Dating a Tool

A "tool" is a social characteristic that is easily recognized, difficult to discern, and even more difficult to explain. They are communicable blood-sucking zombies of the social world; let them in your head and you're likely to turn into one yourself, or at least be perceived that way. Additionally put, if life were a video game in which the goal was to achieve self-respect and high standing among your peers, tools would be the deceptors who used an initially-compelling charm to join your team and then slowly began to pick-pocket your cool points.

Now, everybody knows what a douchebag is. However, tools are a bit more deceptive. Unlike douchebags, tools are not as easy to identify from a distance and, in fact, you may not know this person is a social detriment until you begin to ask yourself why this person can't quite follow through on all of the 'awesome' they're promising you. Whereas douchebags lack status, pieces of ass, and money but still behave in such a manner that they do possess these "items", tools are able to acquire these things but lack any admirable sense of modesty. Akin to douchebags, tools are helplessly unaware of their social standing. Much like how one finds out about another's venereal disease, one's "tool-hood" is strictly word-of-mouth and discussed openly solely in that person's absence. In fact, they are their own biggest-kept secret.

A tool, by definition, is "a person manipulated by another for the latter's own end" which leads me to believe that 'tool' is truncated from 'tooler' which is what these people are. They are manipulators for a sole purpose: making them not appear as the self-loving narcissists they truly are.

Nobody wants to be one, and nobody wants to date one.

1. Tools are cunning conversation manipulators. Does the exchange with this person feel very one-sided? Well, it is. Their questions are just statements in disguise. They will lead you into conversations they want to have, and do a lot of telling you about themselves. Did you ask? No- you don't have a chance to. If they ask you if you've ever been to Australia, it's not because they care - it's so they can tell you about their trip there last summer. If you come away from these interactions feeling cheated, as if you've reluctantly performed a pro bono service by listening -- you might be dating a tool. They would suck their own dicks if they could; they don't need you.

2. Tools lack curiosity. This is primarily because nothing is going to ever be quite as interesting as they are. Unless you are dead inside, meeting someone new and the ensuing getting-to-know-you process is quite exciting. For the next few days, your obsessive mind is filled with the Facebook stalking, the Googling, and the scouring the mutual friend pool in any attempt to unearth more information about your potential new object of interest. Their sense of adventure is non-existent; tools not only do not but are not interested in digging any deeper than the surface and make no attempt to question you further on your interests, desires, or needs. Mind you, they expect that you've checked up on them, and they'll have a convincing excuse why they know nothing about you. The unsaid expectation is that you will become a fan instead of a partner with an opinion, and assimilate his generic interests (see #6). He will often tell you how high his standards are, how he's obsessively picky, and how special you are for him having chosen to spend time with you. The keyword here is "surface" as in, he's trying to hide the fact that there is nothing below it.

3. Tools love to tell you how badass and awesome they are. Their cleverly-spun, self-obsessed stories cast them in the limelight as the hero that did something so funny homeless people laughed, or how they walked by the city's best restaurant ever and they knew like half of the people in it. They'll mention that they are fun, that they are smart, that they are a 'good catch', or that they have a great personality -- anything to keep you from having to come to the conclusion yourself. The concept of show-don't-tell escapes this guy, and the only person talking about him is, well, him...and maybe his 19-year-old ex-girlfriend who doesn't know any better. Likewise, if you are actually embarrased for the guy in social situations due to his anemic self-awareness, he's a tool. If, within a couple weeks of knowing the guy, you can predict his every response, he's a tool. As a close friend of mine pointed out: if you have to tell someone how awesome you are, you're probably lying.

4. Tools refer to themselves in the third person. Seriously. Some of us do it as a joke, in a high-pitched voice as homage to self-deprecation. Tools do it as a change-up from having to start every sentence with "I". Even more groan-worthy are those who, in adulthood, still refer to their penis in third "person" in casual conversation. Some time back in college, you should have learned to become one with your penis' desires. Innuendo is funny, talking plainly about what Mr. Squiggles did this morning is not. Moreover, we only need to hear that you have a big dick one time. One time. Trust me, no one forgets. If you have to step back from him and think, "Is he serious?" and you come to find that yes, he is serious -- he's a tool.

5. Tools give themselves their own nicknames. They are usually mind-blowingly clever, too. Minus some letters, tack on an '-o', '-s', '-y', 'Mc-'or '-ski' and there you have it! Instant tool-name generator. Don't expect this to stop with names, though. There are so many things in the immediate environment that you can add '-ski' to, and it's SO FUNNY. Let's get some brewskis, brah!

6. Tools are self-proclaimed artists. And, "if you're lucky" they'll play, draw, write about, or speak their poetry to you. You will be able to recognize one of these self-proclaimed artist types because they will drop as many hints as fucking possible without coming straight out and divulging their "secret". The painfully feigned sense of mystery includes: leaving guitar picks out on every table in the house, tacking guitar tabs to the fridge, purposely placed amp in middle of the floor, guitar straps hanging from the door, pretentious music collection, etc. Very much like a child playing an ostrich-like game of hide-and-seek, you still feel a responsibility to humor this person until your brain cannot possibly stand being patronized any longer. Be ready for the theatrical debut of coyness when you finally ask the question, "So, you play guitar?"

7. Tools love to hide behind the facade of gender inequality. Sometimes, late at night when you're watching an inane show on a cable channel and a Taco Bell commercial comes on wherein the punchline is inevitably that the girl doesn't understand that the guy just wants a taco because she's too stupid and the only way guys can assert their dominance is to love tacos more than women-- somewhere a tool is laughing, because, in a tool's mind: tacos > women. It's not only a fact, it's a way of life. These kinds of commercials are marketed to tools. They believe that drinking a beer that is more expensive than Bud Light will, in fact, make them cooler people. They identify with the stereotypical humor in situational comedies, because they find comfort in predictability. They are scared of the word 'feminism' because they only see it as a threat to being a 'real man'. He believes all lesbians should be traditionally attractive. He believes it is his man duty to ogle and talk in graphic detail about members of the opposite sex. He subscribes to Maxim Magazine, and not the truth that Mariah Carey's hips were Photoshopped. He talks shit about his girlfriend when she isn't around. If you receive an e-card that reads, "My Balls Aren't Going to Lick Themselves" from your date, he might be a tool.

8. Tools have no sense of humor. Ok, that's a stretch. Everyone has a "sense" of humor, even if it really, really sucks. A learned person could explain the intricacies and complexity of the human nature to respond to humorous stimuli, however, I tend to categorize people by those that appreciate conceptual irony and those who are wholly unaware of it. They lack the sense of comfortability it takes to make a joke about oneself, so they defer to simplicities like farts, laughing at fat people, and Adam Sandler movies.  If this post has made you laugh, you are safe.

9. Tools will read this post and still not realize they're tools. No one who is truly a tool will embrace or admit it; in fact, one of the defining characteristics of being a tool is the vehement denial of being a tool. In other words, they piss where they drink.

Please heed the following:
1.  Guilt by Association is real.
2.  Run Away.