Things Disney Did to Complicate My Life

Everything I need to know, I learned from believing the complete opposite of every animated Disney movie I have ever seen. Sure they seem as innocuous as a wide-eyed virgins within them, but there are some dangerous lessons we are learning from these cheerful cartoons. I feel it is harmful to feed these fairy tales to our impressionable youth, setting them them up to spend a lifetime getting crushed by the realities of life instead of the oversimplified idealism they were expecting. Ok, so maybe that's just me. But, there are just some things that you can't un-learn: our sense of mortality, the concept of failure, and of course that some prince is out there waiting for us.

I watched Little Mermaid again this week, and such is not the best thing to do when you are feeling sorry for yourself, heartbroken, or otherwise pining for times past or a better future. 

So here it is, oversimplified, just as Disney would have wanted it.

Things Disney Did to Complicate My Life:

1. Everything has meaning. No it doesn't. Some things just don't make any sense. They're possibly never going to make any sense and the only thing worse than not knowing, is beating yourself up about it. 

2. I am never going to have hair like that. EVER. See also: I am never going to have boobs like that, I am never going to have a waist like that, I am never going to have eyes like that, etc.

3. Animals can talk. Perhaps this is the most difficult one for me to overcome. I want them to talk SO. BAD. And, even though I am an animal-lover, I think that this kind of thing leads us to humanize animals, which isn't the best thing for domesticated pets (or for children's charities).

4. Three words: Peter Pan Syndrome. RUN FROM IT AS FAST AS YOU CAN, WENDY!

5. Things will fall into place for us if we just have faith. As much as I want to believe this one (religious overtones omitted purposely) I don't realistically think that the best path to meet our goals is passivity, or faith in the universe to make our lives better for us. I think you have to get off your ass and make shit happen for yourself, and I think having control of your OWN life is actually the ideal I should have learned.

6. I need a hero. Women are constantly being put in a position in these movies where a major obstacle cannot be overcome until a prince saves them and sweeps them off their feet. In conjunction with the afore-mentioned 'faith' complex, I don't think that submissivity and parlaying to outdated ideas of the weaker gender is really gonna land us a great man. You know, the one that's out there searching for us this very minute. Conversely, this puts men in a position where they feel as though they have to take on a woman's problems in order to feel useful in her life.

7. You can trust anyone that isn't blatantly scary, or who is a witch. Everyone else's intentions are as good as gold. Right?

8. Good always triumphs over evil. Uh, does anyone else watch the news?

9. You don't need a mother. How many of the Disney characters were orphaned, or had no mother figure? Cue abandonment issues...

10. There is one person out there for all of us; our true love. Some people actually NEVER get over this one. I hate to piss on this idealism when it's still so culturally sound, but I don't believe in the concept of true love. I believe in working hard, compromise, and learning how to relate to people to make the best of your relationship.