Portland, OR: Coffee. Beer. Sex. Beauty.

2. Beer

When I left Ohio, my carry-on baggage weighed a mere 5 pounds, mostly comprising of a couple pairs of sweatpants and a towel. On my way back, with a strained hamstring, I hobbled through the airport with a 40-pound piece of luggage strewn about my torso, banging me in the hips as I limped down the corridor (fuck paying for a SmartCarte).

I reached the metal detectors, and the TSA man standing there looked at me, his eyes soft with pity as I struggled to load up the bag in the plastic tray that was now not accomodating to the bag's size. I was struggling, but I was careful. I limped through the metal detector but didn't take my eyes off of that man's eyes as he watched my bag pass through. His intent glare on the screen, which had before been a look of compassion now turned to complete laughter (as much as a government official can laugh, really). Passing through the x-ray was the following:

2 bottles of Rogue "Old Crustacean"
3 bottles of wine from the Chateau Bianca Winery (located in Dallas, Oregon man, was I confused)
1 bottle of Rogue Distillery White Rum
1 bottle of Rogue Distillery Hazelnut Rum
1 bottle of Lucky Labrador Black Lab Stout
1 bottle of Lucky Labrador Dog Day IPA
2 bottles of Issaquah Brewery Bullfrog Ale

And some sweatpants and a towel (I knew you all were wondering why I brought sweatpants on vacation).

All of those beers were specifically acquired at the source. While in Portland, I visited almost 10 breweries, and it would've been more if I wasn't completely lost almost every minute of the day when I wasn't at a bar. I was sitting at Lucky Labrador Brewpub when I saw two older gentlemen sitting at the table near me peering into a map. God, I needed a map. As I eavesdropped closer, I saw that not only was it a map outlining downtown Portland, but downtown Portland breweries. I felt like my prayers (okay, okay, expletives) had been answered. I asked to see the map, which one of the guys (the one wearing a Homer Simpson mullet t-shirt) just gave to me. I traveled with these gentlemen to a few more of the nearby breweries and it wasn't until the third stop that I found out that one of them was a diabetic and one was blind. I had the blind one take my picture:



Regardless, the blur is appropriate. 

After I planned meeting them at a local organic brewery, Roots, I got there only to be informed by the two dudes sitting out front that it was closed for that day. No reason, really. Just closed. I lost my drinking buddies for the afternoon so I decided to continue wandering solo instead. At least I had a map.

The following day, I Googled the Rogue Brewery in Newport, OR and drove there. When I drove through Johnson City (where the guy I was staying with lost his virginity, I was told) I caught my first real glimpse of the Oregon coastline and my heart dropped to my stomach. It was beautiful. However, not as beautiful as this:




or this:




I stayed there for quite a while, and bought them out of two kinds of pint glasses and their bread made with their Hazelnut Brown Nectar. I also visited the distillery which is located across the marina from the brewery and picked up some of the Rogue White Rum as well as their spiced Hazelnut rum. I got two recipes to use each (titles are the writer's interpretation after trying said recipes):

Rogue "Don't Make Any Plans Later" Mojito
Lime
Mint
Rogue White Rum
1 tsp. sugar
Club soda

Grind lime and mint in bottom of glass, add rum, sugar, then top off with club soda. If you don't want to grind the mint because you're a lazy ass like me, splash in some Rumplemintze or Peppermint Schnapps (I believe mine is called White Thunder or something)

It's good. But, and especially if you use the Schnapps, very potent.

The Hazelnut Creeper, aka "The Fuzzy Nut"
Bailey's
Hazelnut Rum
Splash of Amaretto

You know what to do with it. Put it on the rocks. I am, once again, lazy and I used some Amaretto cream shit instead of buying a bottle of Amaretto just to "splash" it places. It was creamy, surprisingly good, and also surprisingly got my sister wasted off of one drink. I recommend ordering it on first dates.

Now I know why the Rogue Brewery is also a Bed & Breakfast. Although, they call it Bed & Beer, since they give you two pints of stout in place of food. Brilliant!

Saturday I worked the Portland International Beer Festival as a volunteer.

I was placed in the Belgian beer tent pouring Saxo Blonde, which could've been a great beer, however, I was so sick of hearing old men dorkily guffaw, "Yeah, lemme get a sexy blonde" that it is now my least favorite beer based on sheer principle. I ripped every second ticket or so that I took and pocketed the rest strategically for my Sunday attendence spent on the other side of the table. My careful strategery was a success.

Beers I tried in PDX

Philadelphia Amber
Lucky Labarador Super Dog IPA
Lucky Labarador Black Lab Stout
Bridgeport Black Strap Stout (this beer was awesome)
Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar
Rogue Shakespere Stout
Rogue Imperial IPA
Rogue Old Crustacean
Rogue Chipotle Ale
McMenamins Ruby
McMenamins Terminator
Green Flash Brewing Co. West Coast IPA (San Diego)
Laurelwood Free Range Red
Walking Man Bloodvoetse Bruin (this brewery has a beer called the Big Phat Homo as well)
Full Sail Old Boardhead
Freeminer Waterloo
Lagunitas Crisp Summer Ale #10
Cassissona
Urthel Hop It!
MacPelican's Scottish Ale

And the worst of all:
Tucks Smoked Helles. This beer deserves its own section, primarily because its cloudy appearance reminded me not of beer, but of drainage or the leftover juice from bottled meat. It seriously tasted like they bought a bottle of pigs feet, dumped out the feet, and brewed the beer with its juice and dipped sausage in it during the fermenting process before adding cedar chips.

Please stay tuned the list of things I attempted or successfully completed while under the influence.