Your Perfume Sucks

I take off tomorrow morning for Boston, so I am sure I will return with some great stuff for you all.  If you have any great suggestions of where I should head to (not in the AAA traveler handbook) please email them to my cell.

Today, I seemed to be stuck behind several people who did not seem to understand perfume.  If you suspect you may be one of these people you probably are.  Don't worry.  I will help you.

To clarify, perfume is like a mixture of plants and oils and shit in order to give the human body, living spaces, objects, etc. a pleasant smell.  The key word here being pleasant.  A moderate, calming cross breeze that tickles the hairs on my skin is pleasant.  However, as soon as there is a Category 5 hurricane on the horizon, I am getting the fuck out.  Seriously.  Moderation; use it.  Perfume was historically used by Egyptians to mask their natural odors due to the fact that they took very few baths.  We've come a long way since then, people.   I know there exists perfumed soap, however, perfume is not soap. Not anymore.

Even at the risk of sounding Jeff Foxworthy-esque, I present to you:  

How To Tell if You Are Offending People With Your Perfume

1.  If you buy perfume that is described as 'floral' 'woodsy' or 'musky' within the first two word descriptors, you are wearing offensive perfume.  Give it to the Salvation Army or sell it on eBay or something (people seriously buy used perfume).  Try something 'citrusy' or 'clean'.  Most people agree that 'clean' is 'good'.

2.  If you are in line, and the next person behind you is like 20 feet away, then your perfume smells like the inside of a skunk's dead asshole.  That ain't cool.

3.  If you can buy it at the grocery store, DO NOT USE IT.  You get what you pay for regarding perfume just as much as everything else.

4.  If you make people sneeze or cough incessantly, then you stink.  Either that, or you need to lint brush yourself.  Both are bad.

5.  If you have applied more than two squirts of perfume within one perfuming session, you are wearing too much.  Seriously, just because you can't smell it on you does not mean we can't.

6.  If you are turning the perfume bottle over and over in your hands, sniffing it and thinking about it much like how you choose a greeting card, then put it back.  If you're even one bit sure that someone else may not like it, you're right.

Remember that douches are perfumed.  If there is a substance strong enough to cover up a smell like that, then please use it wisely and carefully.