Do I Look Like a Giant Doormat?

I mean, really, I know I've gained a little weight (not totally my fault) but come on. Is it that obvious?

It's not like you go out of your way to step on me, either, because you wouldn't do that. I mean, if I'm here, and in your path already then I'm sure you would. Hopefully I am not too far shifted (perhaps by the wind or other uncontrollable factors) to the left or the right too far away from said door. Maybe then you'd never step on me at all. Instead of feeling used perhaps (in a good way) I would just feel neglected (in a bad way). I mean, either way, I'd still be there, right?

Right?


So my Gmail Google snooper sensed that I was having some issues and offered up the following web snippet:

Know The Secret To Men? - www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com - Learn The "Secret Psychology" To Getting A Man Hooked For Good

I just kind of sat there and pondered that snippet for a minute or two. The secret to men? "Secret Psychology"? Hooked for good? I mean, forgive me male readers, but why I am supposed to hook you guys? I'm a chick. You should be hooking me. Remind me why us chicks try so hard in the first place? 

I mean, I'm the one that is going to be thoughtful enough to buy and cook your ass dinner when you'd be all right with Wendy's. And, the one that gets all dolled up in nice clothes to make you proud to be with me, even though you probably expect it/don't notice/would be happy with me no matter what I was wearing/I am way out of your league anyway.

Put off nights out with our girlfriends for you, and don't feel the need to have to tell you how much wanted (and unwanted) attention from men we're missing out on? Check. I mean, our girlfriends understand (the ones that aren't cunty).

And when your "secret psychology" sends me inappropriate emails, puts your hands into my pockets at a bar without asking, or grabs my ass, I don't tell you about it. Not because I have anything to hide, but rather, because I don't want you to have any misconceptions that I totally belong to you. I mean, I don't want to slave over anyone else's needs. Especially not guys who put their hands into my pockets. Unless they give me a compliment first.

No... I'm loyal, I care about you, and I put your needs before my own most of the time, I try to impress you, I do impress you (even though you don't tell me), and I go out of my way to make you happy.

Why is it that I'm hooking you again? Why am I doing the catching and keeping? 

You go out of your way once, which pretty much just qualifies as "maintenance", and still we get super-excited about it and let you keep sliding by. Wow, we're stupid.

Hooked for good? This? Really? Um, no thanks, I'd rather drink bile.

Seriously, if guys (as a whole) could be any lamer, you would all have your own parking spaces.

END RANT