Don't Call Me Daughter

"But don't you want a child of your own?"

It's a question that I've been asked a lot lately.  Ever since my boyfriend and his young 3-year old daughter moved into my house, I have been playing half-time mom.  But it's not really mom because she already has a mother, and despite how good or bad of a mother she is, you always have to respect the mother.  It's not like she is my step-daughter, as he is already legally married to (yet separated from) her biological mom, and not to me.  She isn't my adopted daughter, as there is no legal paper stating that this is the case.  I can't claim her as a dependent on my taxes, even though she is quite dependent on me, and I can't really call her my roommate because, well, she doesn't really pay her share of rent.  When she is unruly, I have the authority to discipline her and when she wants to play a game, I am the first person she runs to.  I come out of the shower to find her delightfully plodding through the hallway in my shoes that are ten sizes too big for her, and when we go out anywhere she excitedly introduces me to everyone as if I am something awesome that needs to be shared.  When she remembers something I've told her weeks ago, I feel a fluttering of joy.  And, when she is cranky and doesn't want to give me a hug or kiss, I feel a pang of sadness.  We may not share the sacred biological bond, but how far does that go when raising your child?  She is as much mine as my own would be.

I catch myself so many times when I'm using titles to describe all of us.  I am guilty of using 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' when talking to my dog, so naturally having an actual human and calling myself by my own name seems awkward and foreign.  I can't tell you how many times someone else has been speaking to her in these terms and called me 'Mommy' by mistake and then clasped their hands over their mouths the same as if they had said an expletive, mouthing to me "I'm sorry".  People are so drawn to that nuclear family unit, it's almost an inconvenience that we're not 'Mommy & Daddy' to everyone else.


It is a difficult deviation from a traditional family unit to one where it seems as though people that love each other were just seemingly thrown together.  For all intents and purposes, and to anyone who were to observe us in our daily life, we are very much a family.  However, when people start asking questions things get difficult for me.

"Well, she lives with us but she's his child.  Well, 50% of the time.  What?  Oh, no we're not married just living together.  He's married to someone else.  Oh, but they're separated."  

Then the dreadful, "Oh, so you're not her mother."  Is this the same way that adopted parents feel when other peers learn of the adoption?  Oh, so you mean you just fill the mother role, but you're not the mother.  What's the difference?  Labor?  Chins that look similar?  A genetic predisposition for high blood pressure?

Oh wait, let me guess.  "You'll understand when you have children of your own".